I Believe in Living Life Dangerously

"I believe in living life dangerously"
(HRH The Prince of Wales)

 I am a Player. I am a bold Player. I am a reckless Player. I go straight forward. My path is a knife edge. Step aside---and you are over. To make a step back you need to make step aside first. Anyway, I'm not going to turn back, nor turn right, nor turn wrong. I am a Player. I am a bold Player. I am a reckless Player. I go straight forward. The first step on the knife edge was utter madness. Every following step would be a madness hundred times greater. But I am a Player. I am a bold Player. I am a reckless Player. I go straight forward.

Let's venture Life. Let's take a venturesome narrow-edge tour through Life. A real adventure. Challenge for a Player. Fortify your will. Deny your conscience. Do not appeal to sense. Player. Go. Straight. Forward.

Life... The best known thing, yet still the least explored one. A Puzzle we solve every day, yet still an Enigma to be resolved. The Magnet of Human Thought. For years and centuries people have been trying to understand it. Mathematicians are searching for the Logic of Life. Yet Life itself contradicts any Logic. Philosophers are looking for the Sense of Life. Yet Life itself has no Sense, and in this is its Main Sense. Poets are longing for the Beauty of Life. Yet Life itself is so brilliant, that even its ugliness is Beautiful.

Mathematicians, Philosophers, Poets... They are going in different directions, yet each approaches the Truth. Each is right, but the Truth mocks at them: "I am deeper." The Truth denies any Logic, it doesn't need any Sense, the idea of Beauty cannot be applied to it.

Life is composed of contradictions like a book is composed of symbols. Wipe away the letters and make the story wither. Smooth down any sharp bends and make Life colourless, lifeless, and dangerless!

Verily, I am a Player. I am a bold Player. I am a reckless Player. I want Life to be sharper. Keener. Brighter. I am not afraid of contradictions. I need contradictions. I cannot get along without them. I must live dangerously.

Light, become lighter... So that dark spots would darken...

World, stretch out infinitely... Just to reach you limits...

Determinism and free will... They cannot coexist. They cannot live separately either. Determinism is the key to the door of Reality, but only free will can unlock it. Without lock the key is useless, without determinism the free will is senseless. Beggar, you, who has got nothing, lose even this your only possession... Lose Nothing... And be you blessed then... "Blessed are the poor... "Blessed are the sorrowful... "Blessed are the meek... "Blessed are the merciful...

Really, in this game the player with the worst cards wins. The outcome is always predictably unpredictable: Winner loses, Loser wins... Oh Lord, You are too merciful!.. You unjustly pour on us your immense justice... We do deserve injustice, oh Lord...

There won't be a heavenly Judge over you on the Doomsday. There won't be any Doomsday after your Death. There won't be any Death at all... You will be your own Judge. Your life will be your own Doomsday. Your Death will be your new birth. The Death will open your eyes, and you will know both good and evil. Sinners, this will be your punishment: to see your life over and over again. You will realize the thorough Perfection of the Soul of Man. You will realize yet the more thorough greatness of your Misery, which managed to turn your Perfection into the Misery. Every day of your life. Every hour. Every minute. And be so for ever and ever. Truly, they are receiving their reward now.

Holy men, this will be your reward: to see your life over and over again. To perceive your Goodness and your Godliness. Every day of your life. Every hour. Every minute. And be so for ever and ever. Truly, they are receiving their reward now. Do not count somebody else's flaws, to not make your burden harder, but do count somebody else's virtues to make their burden lighter. Oh, pray for us, Diviners, for our burden is heavy... We are afraid of what awaits us after our death, we are afraid of that eternity, we are afraid of our future immortality. It frightens us. So, because we are afraid of our immortality, we desperately trying to avoid death... You are the closest person to yourself. But the way to yourself is always the longest one... The whole life might not suffice. And in this longest path, the initial and the final points coincide...

You have only one life. In every life there may be only one True Love. And True Love is always a true tragedy... Your True Lover will be the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last, your relief and your pain. "But, I do not want to suffer. I do not want to grieve. I do not want to love... Please, give me the medicine curing the Love"---"You do not need one: your immortal True Love died with your very first thought about the retreat ... It's been dead since long ago." "Then give me the medicine, curing every disease." Alas! there is no such medicine. For it is not the medicine that heals, but the hands which give you this medicine.

Verily, there was such a medicine: your Lover's hands could heal everything. Your Lover's hands could have healed everything.

The Purest Joy is inevitably followed by the Purest Despair. Because everything, compared with the moment of the Greatest Happiness, would be the Greatest Sadness. The reverse, unluckily, is not true. Moreover, to anybody who experienced the Greatest Despair, all ways to the Greatest Joy are tabooed. They are only one-way roads, actually...

Oh Lord, You are too cruel!.. You unjustly pour on us your immense justice... We do deserve injustice, oh Lord...

My body is tired. My heart is thirsty. My soul is wearied. Am I a reckless Player? No... Am I a bold Player? No... Am I a Player? No... But I am on a straight narrow knife edge. Shall I go straight forward? I am too weary... Do I want to live dangerously? Do I want to live?.. I am making a step aside...

Cambridge, 8-10 February 1996

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